Butterfly Kisses & Windsong - Riversong, Book 3, Chapter 1

Chapter 1

***

Shiloh Finn stared at herself in the rearview mirror of her little car, trying to work up the courage to drive the rest of the way to Michael Stanton’s place—Micha to all his friends. Micha, who had graduated high school summa cum laude, two years ahead of her. Micha, who had aced Running Start and entered college with two years of credits already under his belt. Micha, who had finished two years of college in one and a half and been accepted to the University of Washington’s School of Medicine without a hitch. Micha, who had gone on to become a lauded doctor in Portland, Oregon, until he’d moved back home to Riversong with their son only last year.

She tapped her fingers on the steering wheel. How was it that Mr. Perfect had somehow become the father of her child? The one chip in his armor of perfection. And, of course, she was the reason for it because everything in her life was one colossal disaster after another. Pregnant just out of high school, but with dreams of attending the Battersea Royal College of Art and becoming a world-renowned painter, she’d tried to talk Micha into putting Quinten up for adoption.

What if he’d given in to her instead of choosing to raise Quinten on his own? She never would have gotten to know her precious boy.

How her heart ached at the thought because now…she hoped to be the kind of mother a son could count on. So, what was she doing parked on the side of the road, wishing she’d thought to bring a paper bag to breathe into? Gathering herself, that was what. Because if she messed this up, she had a feeling it would be her last chance. And she really didn’t want to lose her son again.

Pull it together, Shi. The old has gone, the new is here! You’re not the same girl you once were, thanks to Jesus. And your son is waiting for you.

If she didn’t get going soon, everyone who passed her was going to have tales to tell throughout town.

She’d thought she was doing well. Hadn’t even been nervous when she’d left her place, but the closer she’d gotten to Micha’s, the more her hands had shaken, ’til she’d finally pulled over to the side of the road.

Micha was trusting her to watch Quinten on her own for the first time ever. What if she blew it? She, after all, was the woman who had walked away from her newborn son and headed to England so selfishly. Maybe in the wake of her parents’ deaths, she’d somehow thought she could escape all her pain if she could just travel far enough, but obviously that hadn’t been the case.

Battersea ought to have been the perfect place for her to develop her skills…and she really had grown as a painter. Yet, no galleries in England had been willing to take a chance on her Norman Rockwell-esque paintings of modern-day glimpses of life. Thankfully, she’d also taken online classes to attain her Master’s in education because she’d had the goal of one day becoming an art teacher. But if she couldn’t even get one gallery to give her paintings a shot, who was she to think she could teach painting?

One day, it had hit her like a gigantic wave. She’d been pushing so hard to make this art thing work. She’d wanted it so badly that she’d left behind her family—including her newborn son and a man who had promised her he wanted to take care of her for the rest of their lives. And all of it had been to no avail.

But now—tonight—she had a chance to change all that. A chance to really be part of her son’s life again for the first time in years.

The thought terrified her. Not because she didn’t want to be part of his life. But…was she worthy to be?

Ever since Micha had agreed to let her come and stay with Quin, she’d been having plaguing nightmares where she did something benign that somehow brought harm to Quin.

In one, she was dropping Quin off in front of the elementary school, but just as he opened the door to get out, the scenery around them changed to a freeway, and Quin stepped out into traffic. Horns blared. Tires screeched. Quin curled his arms around his head—right in front of an oncoming semi. Then she’d woken up drenched in sweat in the silence of her bedroom.

In another, she, Quin, and Micha were skydiving—which was completely ridiculous! They jumped out of the plane together. An exhilarating rush of air swept past her as the landmarks far below grew larger. But when the moment came to pull the cords for their parachutes, only Micha’s and hers opened. In that dream she woke with a jolt, with the lingering image of Quin growing smaller and smaller as he accelerated toward the ground while she watched helplessly and Micha glowered at her.

Shiloh worried her lower lip. Doubt weighed on her. Made her break into a cold sweat.

What if she accidentally did something that jeopardized Quin’s life? What did she really know about taking care of a kid? Sure, she taught kids just a bit older than him all day long for a living, but…

A flash of red and blue drew her focus, and she groaned. “Perfect.”

Behind her, Officer Phoenix Reardon sat with his blond head angled to see through her back window as he spoke into the mic in his patrol car, lights flashing. Across the street, she saw the lace of Mrs. McMurphy’s curtains flutter. The woman was obviously peering out at them, though Shiloh couldn’t see her from this distance.

Shiloh rolled her eyes at herself, moved the big bag of toys on the passenger seat out of the way, and reached for the registration in the glove box. “You are the biggest idiot in the world, Shi.” She tugged her wallet from her purse and extracted her license.

She was ready and waiting with all her paperwork by the time Phoenix strolled up to her window. She knew him fairly well because, ever since he’d moved to Riversong, he’d been attending the same singles’ Bible study she did at Riversong Community. And it seemed there wasn’t a church night that went by where one woman or another wasn’t swooning over the officer’s handsome golden looks.

He dipped his clean-shaven chin in greeting. “Shiloh.” He squinted one blue eye at her, and Shiloh couldn’t help but think how jealous of her Saundra Stringer would be right now. Saundra had been deliberately breaking all sorts of traffic laws in an attempt to get Phoenix to pull her over. Shiloh just hoped no one would be hurt by Saundra’s ploy.

“Hi, Phoenix.”

He waved aside her paperwork. “You weren’t doing anything wrong. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay?”

“Oh.” A bit of relief eased through her, and she turned to tuck the registration away and return her license to her wallet. “I’m okay. Thanks for checking on me. I’m actually headed to Micha’s to watch Quinten.”

Phoenix glanced down the street, likely considering on the fact that Micha’s house was just about a quarter mile down the road, around the next bend. He turned back to her, face filled with question. “Did you run out of gas?”

She shook her head, feeling like more of a fool with every passing second. “No.”

“Engine overheat or anything like that?”

Again, a shake of her head.

Phoenix hooked his thumbs into his duty belt and simply studied her for a moment. But after a few long seconds, he lifted his hands and backed away. “Alright. If you say you’re okay, I’ll leave it be. You have a good day now.”

“Phoenix?”

He stopped. Waited.

“Thank you.”

His brow furrowed again.

“For caring enough to stop and make sure I was alright.”

Understanding lit his features. “That’s what I get paid for.”

“Hey, I was going to call you later today, anyway. I’m having a few people from church over on Friday evening, and I wanted to invite you.”

His lips thinned, though a touch of humor lit his eyes. “Let me guess. Kacy is going to be there?”

Shiloh fiddled with the coffee cup in her cupholder to give herself time to think. He was obviously onto them. She and her sister, Salem, and their friend, Zaire, had concocted a plan to attempt to get Phoenix interested in Kacy, but, apparently, he was having none of it.

After a long moment, she gave him a smile. “Kacy is one of the people I’ve invited, yes.”

Phoenix shook his head. “Y’all just don’t give up. I’ll be there, but I’m not interested in a relationship.”

“Okay.” Shiloh raised her palms. “I’ll put out the word. We’ll back off.”

“Thanks.” He tipped her a nod and headed back to his patrol car.

Shiloh checked her mirrors and started driving again before she remembered just exactly why she’d been parked on the side of the road in the first place.

She blew out a breath. “Okay, God, please help me today. I may not know how to be a good mother, but I sure love that little boy and want to try.”

She parked in the driveway and hadn’t even made it out of the car yet when Quinten sprinted out of the house with all the enthusiasm a rambunctious third grader could muster.

“Mommy!” he exclaimed with glee.

Shiloh smiled. “Hi, Bug. How are you?”

“Good. Whad’ya bring me?” He peered around her, trying to see past her into the interior of her car.

Shiloh started to laugh, but, at that moment, she lifted her gaze to encounter Micha’s drilling brown glower. He stood on his porch, arms folded.

She swallowed and patted Quinten on the head as she shut her car door. Leaning down, she said softly. “Maybe we should look at what I brought you a little later.”

“But I want it now!” A full pout threatened to break out.

“Quinten!” There was no give in Micha’s voice. “Come back into the house. Now.”

Feeling the full force of his chastisement, Shiloh focused on the sidewalk as she followed her son.

 

*** 

Micha remained on the porch for a few seconds, hoping some of his frustration would ease. She meant well. He got that. But she couldn’t keep bringing Quinten presents every time she came over. The house was already overflowing with all the new toys she’d given to him since she’d reentered their lives.

He blew out a breath. He needed to deal with this and deal with it now. He glanced at the time on his phone. He had five minutes before he should leave for his hospital staff meeting.

He stepped back into the entry and pushed the door shut.

Both Quinten and Shiloh jumped when the heavy wood banged into place. That gave Micha pause. He had shut it a little too hard. The woman just made him crazy.

Even now, she stood there looking at him with her big blue eyes like a puppy with its ears laid back and its tail between its legs. He wanted to hug her and scold her all at the same time. But he’d been easy-going about this issue long enough.

He cleared his throat, steeling his emotions. “Son, go upstairs for a minute while I talk to your mom.”

“But I want—”

One meaningful look and Quinten’s words died mid-sentence.

“Yes, Dad.” With a longsuffering sigh, Quinten took the stairs as slowly as humanly possible.

Biting back his amusement, Micha waited until Quinten disappeared into his room at the top of the stairs and shut his door. Then he returned his focus to Shiloh.

She swallowed so hard he could see her throat work.

He softened his stance, easing his hands off his hips, but jumped right in before her big blue eyes could make him change his mind. “We’ve talked about this before. You can’t keep bringing him toys every time you come over.”

Her shoulders slumped. “This again? They’re just a few trinkets. Stuff to help him know I love him.”

And that right there was part of the problem. Love wasn’t about gifts and platitudes for past wrongdoings. It was about spending quality time together and simply supporting one another—serving one another.

He swallowed and made himself say the harsh words. “You can’t buy someone’s love, Shi. No matter how badly you messed up in the past.”

She gasped. “I can’t believe you just said that.”

He felt like a cad. “I can’t, either. But I’ve been wanting to say it to you for weeks now. I want Quinten to love you because you have a good relationship. Not because you ply him with gifts every time you show up.”

“I’m not trying to buy his love.”

Micha wasn’t going to give on this. “Aren’t you?”

She opened her mouth like she was set to respond, but then snapped it shut again. She looked away, seemingly unable to meet his scrutiny for another moment.

“I’m not trying to be harsh, Shi. I just want you and Quin to have a good relationship for many years.” He grabbed his coat from the closet and swung it on. He heard a sniff and froze.

Tears hung in her eyes like plump rainclouds about to burst.

Perfect. He gritted his teeth. Did she know how much he wanted to pull her into his arms right this second?

She would be a great mother if she could just get over her fears. He glanced at the clock on the wall just behind her. One more minute.

He gave in to the impulse and stepped closer to her. He cupped her face and swept the tears from her lower lids with his thumbs. The gesture was as natural as breathing, which surprised him. But he didn’t have time to dwell on feelings for the mother of his child right now. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. But it really has to stop. Not only for Quinten’s sake but for yours, too. I want a better relationship than that for you two.”

Her lower lip quivered, and, oh man, he wanted to kiss away her sadness.

He released her abruptly and stepped back. “I have to go. We can talk more about this later.”

And with that, he fled the house before he could give in to the temptation to find out if those full lips of hers were still as soft as he remembered.

What kind of a masochist must he be to even be tempted to step back into that arena?

He’d been there.

Done that.

And the lacerations still lingered on his heart to prove it.

 

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